The following compilation was taken from Harold Reynolds. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

BAD DOG!

This is a list of phrases dog ownees should get their naughty pets to write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
Send more suggestions to me, Harold Reynolds. Please make sure that your name is somewhere in your message so that you can be properly credited!
Note that I acknowledge all messages. If you don't get a response, then there is a problem with your e-mail address that makes my message bounce and I have been unable to work around it! If you enjoy this list, please consider spreading the good cheer by doing something nice for someone!

Copyright 1997 by Harold Reynolds. Inquiries from publishers are welcome!!

First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest update: September 8, 1997.

Other Humour Lists

Bad Kitty List	Bad Dog List	Cat Rules List
Bad Bunny List	Bad Iguana List	Dumb Dogs List
Bad Ferret List	Bad Horse List	Assorted Humour

A. Fill in the blanks

a) [xxx] is not a toy:

The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets; Mommy's "electronic husband"; those jiggly things hanging off of Daddy and Mommy; toilet paper (especially a brand new double roll); plastic bags; paper products such as napkins and paper towels; plastic soda bottles; rocks; mice; spiders; miscellaneous insects; flashlights; the other dog while she is sleeping.

b) [xxx] is not food:

After-sex Kleenex, aluminum foil; Aunt Jean's make-up; the baby's used diaper; bandaids; bar soap; a basketball; blue tempera paint; a brand new baseball glove (entire webbing consumed); the Bible; bizarre plants; books; the carved jack-o-lantern; cat litter box contents; caulking; chicken wire; Christmas light bulbs; Christmas ornaments; Christmas stockings; crayons (no matter how pretty it looks coming out the other end); credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things; Dad's coffee on the coffee table; Daddy's new jungle boots; deflated balloons; dirty Kleenex; disposable razors; drywall; eyeglasses; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; finishing nails (ouch); flies, Grandma's prickly pears; Grandpa's cat; the hand rail on the basement stairs; hot chocolate mix; human food; insulation; ivy and air plants; kitchen scrubbies; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); logs that were once nicely stacked for the wood stove; Lego; linoleum; marbles; Mommy's catnip teabags; Mommy's driver's license (especially on Good Friday, so she can discover it 30 minutes before the office closes and have no time to put on make-up, do her hair, put in contacts, take a shower...); Mommy's favourite stuffed teddy bear; Mommy's fancy craft markers; Mommy's hair accessories; Mom's bras; my ear medicine; the neighbour's golf shoe; other dogs' frozen feces (we call them "poopsicles"; packets of matches; pencils; plants from the aquarium; plastic switch plate covers (screws and all); play dough, prescription medicine (or the bottle); remote controls; rocks; a roll of quarters; socks; soda pop cans; spiders; staples; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; the $380 cash we were saving towards rent; tinsel from the Christmas tree; tomatoes from the vegetable garden; toothpaste (tube and all); underwear in the clothes hamper; unopened honey packets; used condoms; a whole watermelon (rind and all); writing utensils (especially red magic markers); a six-pack of yeast.

c) I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist:

The humans' shoes; the human's cats; children; couch cushions; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper; any throw rug in the entire house; the child's Barbie doll (Especially the day after Christmas and the she only got to play with it for a few hours!)

d) I will not bark at [xxx]:

Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my human's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11 pm); cartoon black cats in Halloween displays; Japanese kabuki music; garden hoses; plastic duck lawn ornaments; my own reflection whilst walking through the town centre on a busy Saturday; The ball which is 4 inches in front of my nose but I want YOU to push it to me; Mom and Dad when they are mixing my num-num so that they will HURRY UP; the invisible enemy which only I can see but which appears in the back yard at least 5 times per day; the thin metal pipe which we walk past every day but which suddenly resembled a snake; TV dogs that I hear barking; humans who are too slow giving me a boost onto their bed; humans who are too slow eating their spaghetti, which is my all-time favourite food and I want to lick clean the plates; the surf when it dies down to foam as it reaches the shore (where did it go??); the planet Mars; the northern lights; the landlord's security guard who is checking to make sure no dogs are barking loudly in the apartment building;

e) I will not chew the [xxx]:

Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks; seat belt; Mummy's new expensive feather duvet on the bed; and not the vacuum cleaner as she cleans it up; everything that comes near my mouth; Mommy or Daddy's Birkenstock sandals; Daddy's leather briefcase; corners of couch pillows; Mom's $250 dental appliance (Bridgette ate 2 of these!); Mommy's new pine armoire; Mommy's dog-walking sneakers; tupperware after I find out how to open the kitchen cabinets; tea strainer; place mats (even though they smell like roast beef); patio furniture; hose; hole in the bottom of the dry food bag; hole in the garage wall.

f) I will not dig [xxx]:

Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my human's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

g) I will not lift my leg to the [xxx]

Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; wood stove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair; the next-door neighbour's lawn (the dog killed the grass); anything that is both vertical and indoors; living room corner; in Mommy's closet; under Daddy's desk chair; on the meditation mat; on the one couch I'm allowed on; even if I'm all excited from playing with my buddy Amset; on the rug in the back bathroom where I thought no one would EVER check; on Daddy's briefcase; on the human's toilet; on my Mommy's foot as she stands there talking to a friend; my side-kick's food bowl; the five-gallon water bucket;

B. Others

a) ---Annoying/Embarrassing Habits---

1. All six of us do not have to go outside at exactly the same time as Mommy. She does not need to have her feet trampled, especially by the bigger dogs.
2. Being patted on the head is not a signal to roll over on my back so the patting hand can then rub my belly.
3. Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.
4. Daddy gets embarrassed when I stare at his peeper when he is getting ready for a shower.
5. Even though I am a pointer/retriever, I don't have to bring all those bright yellow sacks into the backyard that the nice neighbors leave on the curb every week for the big trash truck.
6. I can walk faster than one inch an hour.
7. I do not have to mark my human's car as my territory.
8. I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.
9. I do not need to soak my Vermont Chewman toys in the toilet.
10. I do not have to place my throat across Mommy or Daddy's mouth after they've fussed at me. They're not really going to bite my throat out.
11. I understand that while I think it's great fun to drop my rope/ball/bone in the toilet while Daddy or a male guest is using it, Daddy doesn't like it and will fuss at me.
12. I will leave my "hearing aids" turned on at all times. (My toy poodle Katie has a habit of not listening at crucial moments, so we all joke about her "hearing aids".)
13. I will not assume the reflection from Mom's hand-held makeup mirror is an intruder and try to attack it.
14. I will not be friendly to my human's boyfriend when he is sitting down, and then cower from him when he does something scary like stand up.
15. I will NOT become too attached to my human's leg (I am neutered).
16. I will not bowl Mom over and run into the house before she bends over to wipe all my muddy paws.
17. I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.
18. I will not carry my Chewman by the crotch. It makes male guests nervous. Especially when the female guests begin to chuckle.
19. I will not chase the windshield wipers when it is raining and I get to sit in the front seat of the truck. (This is a Chesapeake Bay Retriever).
20. I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king sized bed at 2 a.m.
21. I will not consider it my personal duty to search all handbags, diaper bags or suitcases that visitors may bring into my home and leave unattended.
22. I will not curl up in the basket while Mommy is trying to fold the laundry.
23. I will not dig to China through anybody's garden.
24. I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests are present.
25. I will not drink sloppily from my water bowl and then run up to Mommy to give her a big wet kiss.
26. I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of the room getting a beer.
27. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
28. I will not empty my glands while we are all in bed under the covers at 6 a.m.
29. I will not expose myself to female visitors.
30. I will not get in the dryer and steal all the clean underwear to make sure it is really clean.
31. I will not get jealous and demand a backrub when Mommy's getting one.
32. I will not give Daddy a big sloppy kiss after licking my no-no for 10 minutes.
33. I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are sitting on the toilet.
34. I will not go swimming in the lake immediately following my bath.
35. I will not go wiggle-butts and act happy when Mom's jerk ex-boyfriend walks down the hallway of the apartment building.
36. I will not grumble loudly when told to "down" and respond by flopping myself to the ground violently and chomping on Mommy's hand, grouching the whole time. (He bites lightly, but enough to get his point across).
37. I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.
38. I will not hump the feather duster whilst making ungodly noises in front of my human's friends. It is not lady like.
39. I will not insist on getting under the covers, staying under them ten minutes, then come rushing out because I'm too hot.
40. I will not jump into bed, flatten my ears, lick Dad's face and look searchingly into his eyes to see if Mom has permanently damaged him immediately following Mom and Dad doing their thing.
41. I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.
42. I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.
43. I will not jump onto the bed to watch when Mommy and Daddy begin to buck-n-snort with one another.
44. I will not knock Mom in the head while she bends over and tries to wipe my muddy feet.
45. I will not leave balls on the stairs.
46. I will not leave the Agility Ring to greet humans I know that are just arriving at the show.
47. I will not lick Mom's toes while Mom and Dad are doing their thing.
48. I will not lick Mommy's ear while she is driving. This tickles her and we may not be so lucky (avoiding an accident) next time.
49. I will not lick the wet spot on the bed after Mom and Dad have done their thing.
50. I will not lie on Mummy, pinning her to the floor.
51. I will not make Mommy feel guilty about "abandoning" me to go to work by giving her "the Big Sad Eyes" through the back door. Dog food doesn't grow on trees you know.
52. I will not make Mommy get off the couch to let you out, per your request, just so you can have the warm spot she is in.
53. I will not masturbate in front of new guests.
54. I will not pant enough to shake the car when my humans are trying to take a nap while travelling.
55. I will not place my chin on the foot of the bed while Mom and Dad are doing their thing.
56. I will NOT pounce on Mommy's stomach when she is napping on the couch.
57. I will not press my face piteously against the hatchback window while we are driving so people think I am being abducted. (With two 125 lb dogs in a small Mazda hatchback, this really is pitiful. I've had people glare at me and honk!)
58. I will not pull the plug on/turn off/reset the computer/Sega while a human is trying to do work/play a game.
59. I will not put my head through the mini blinds when Mom forgets to pull them up.
60. I will not roll the ottoman around the house humping it while the priest is visiting grandma. [My brother's malamute-German Shepherd mix did this to my mother -- I thought Mom would die of embarrassment!]
61. I will not run away from Mom, causing all of the neighbors to laugh as she chases me. The neighbors all know I just finished lessons with my third trainer, I guess I should also.
62. I will not run up and lick Mommy's face after having slobbered all over the dead bird to whom I gave a heart attack.
63. I will not shake hands with a guest, then flop down onto his feet while I clean my No-No.
64. I will not shake my head near my human right after I've finished drinking from the water bowl.
65. I will not sit on guests' laps after I have taken a dump.
66. I will not sleep with my butt on Mom's pillow just because her breath is so bad I want to move my nose.
67. I will not steal hard candy, crunch and munch on it and leave candy-coated drool to dry into the rug.
68. I will not steal things from the bathroom trash and try to sneak downstairs with them. If caught, I will 'fess up instead of trying to suck the object into the back of my mouth.
69. I will not take excessive delight in pushing around a guest's smelly boots.
70. I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.
71. I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track, especially when my human is holding my leash.
72. I will not try to bite the priest when he comes to visit. This will make my human very unhappy.
73. I will not try to climb on the human's lap when he/she is using the laptop computer.
74. I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy and Daddy's bed in the middle of the night.
75. I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.
76. I will not use Mommy's antique classic 1969 Camaro as a lookout post, leaving puppy prints on the hood, roof, and trunk.
77. I will not whine at Mommy to lie down and play with me but then ignore her and go eat my food.
78. If I jump up on Mummy, I will knock her down, getting me scolded.
79. If I must whip my head around frantically to try to smell the hand that is petting me, I will do it with my mouth CLOSED. I will get whacked if I draw blood again.
80. If I trip my human so she falls on her face, slobbering all over her face does *not* make her happy.
81. If my rump itches, I will not go up and start hitting people with it in order to get them to scratch it.
82. In the car, I will not tread on the electric window switch just as my human is paying at the tollbooth.
83. It is not necessary to always do a "random walk by licking" to anyone laying on the couch/floor/ground. (FYI: You are lying down, you hear a clomp, clomp clomp. The sound stops briefly, you feel a slurp on your face and hear the clomp, clomp, clomp walk off.)
84. It is not nice to hit the end of the leash at a dead run when Mom is on her new Rollerblades. (My friend had to have stitches in both knees.)
85. It makes Mommy nervous when I rest my head on her knee while she's on the potty.
86. Just because I hear Mommy or Daddy's car doesn't mean I have to scream at the top of my little doxie lungs.
87. Just because it rings, there's no need for me to knock the receiver off the phone and breathe heavily into the mouthpiece. [This can lead the caller to get the wrong impression!]
88. Just because my name is Packer does not mean I should leg-tackle anyone I see in front of me.
89. Just because someone is sitting on the ground at Dog Park, does not mean I can run up to them and wipe the lake water from my eyes on their shirt.
90. My brother and I don't have to tag team everyone who comes to the door. (Picture two 85 lb. German Shepherds, one coming from each side, and both VERY glad to see you.)
91. No matter how *ripe* Mummy's armpits are, they are not for rolling in like your common puddle of street trash/dead animal/etc.
92. Not everyone loves me, so I will not fling myself at all and sundry. Especially when I have been eating/rolling on week-old bones.
93. Rolling in unmentionable things does NOT make me smell attractive.
94. The three of us do NOT have to go outside one at a time. We can all go out together and not play tag-team-potty.
95. Trying to dig to China before I lie down merely annoys my family.
96. When at the family drive in theatre I will not perform lewd lesbian acts on my older sister in the back of the station wagon while Daddy goes for popcorn.
97. When I go to Dog Park and Mommy has to leave early, I will come when she calls me instead of making her chase me all the way down to the lake, put the leash on me and drag me to the car.
98. When I sleep under the Dad's truck, I will not position myself directly under the oil leak. It is bad enough that his truck always smells like oil; his dog shouldn't have to.
99. When neighbors are over I will not run around the house with my Mommy's new, expensive, and partially consumed Wonder Bra hanging out of my mouth.
100. Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave pretty claw marks on the shiny paint!

b) ---Barking/Noise---

1. I do not always have to have the "last bark."
2. I do not need to bark when the computer makes a funny warning noise.
3. I shall bark like a German Shepherd at burglars, instead of offering to help.
4. I shall not bark like a German Shepherd at guests who arrive in the night and are nervous of big dogs (the dog is the size of a Corgi).
5. I will learn that howling whenever I hear sirens does not help the firemen find their way.
6. I will not attack cactus and then bark at it when it bites back.
7. I will not back-talk, mumble or grumble at Mom and Dad all through dinner, after they have made me go and sit on my bed because my nose was hanging over their plates.
8. I will not bark and wag my (Rottweiler) "nubbie" at my Christmas stocking, even though it's empty.
9. I will not bark at my dachshund brother who has the ONLY desirable chewtoy of the dozen identical ones that may be at my disposal.
10. I will not bark at my human just because she's wearing a hat.
11. I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium; floating outside the window; in the oven). It is just my reflection.
12. I will not bark at the humans after they have eaten dinner and have left-overs on their plates. If I am ignored, I will not put my paw on someone's leg as a "reminder" (this is a Rottweiler).
13. I will not bark at the washing machine when it start the spin cycle. It really isn't going anywhere.
14. I will not bark furiously at Daddy and jump on him when he sneezes.
15. I will not bark for no reason except to see Mom run back into the room.
16. I will not bark the first time I see bare ground when (after having lived here three months) my Mom finally gets the two-season's-deep accumulation of leaves off my yard!
17. I will not climb up on my human's chair, lick her ice cream bowl clean, then bark in outrage when it's empty.
18. I will not do a "hold and bark" at the plastic Santa Claus on the neighbor's front lawn. He's not wearing a sleeve, anyway.
19. I will not follow Mommy and Daddy their heels to answer the phone and then wait until they pick it up and say "Hello" before I start barking.
20. I will not go crazy and run through the house barking when my mother says "Excuse Me!" (He started doing it all of a sudden one day just before he turned one year old. It's something we've always said he just decided one day that he didn't like it or something. He just goes crazy for no real reason so we often do it just for kicks. No doubt a strange dog but we love him.)
21. I will not run headlong into the front door every time the postman arrives. (This event is followed by ferocious barking which the postman ignores and walks away.)
22. I will not snore as loud as or louder than Daddy.
23. I will not stalk and then bark at the abandoned shopping cart in the park.
24. I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a KER-THUMP! and makes me bark at it.
25. I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at the door.
26. I will realize that everyone knows I am a neglected dog because my parents throw me outside to wee late at night and will therefore refrain from announcing it by barking non-stop.
27. I will realize that scary animal in the yard next door is just a really tacky plastic deer and will quit barking at it at every opportunity.
28. If a motorist stops in front of our house, there is no need to bark for a full hour after they have pulled away.
29. Just because I am a Dalmatian and Daddy is a firefighter doesn't mean that it is absolutely necessary to bark at every siren I hear, and every fire truck I see.
30. Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without barking at them when they are present.
31. Squirrels are not burglars. I do not need to bark when they are on the lawn.
32. The bright, colored lights outside do not signal landing UFOs, so I will stop barking at them whenever they are turned on.
33. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
34. When locked in a room, it is not wise to bark into the intercom really load. It scares everybody and gets me in trouble.

c) ---Bodily Functions---

1. I *will* scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
2. I will not be so submissive that I piddle whenever I am scolded.
3. I will not blatantly and loudly "gobble" on my "wiener" in front of Dad, while he looks on in envy.
4. I will not drag myself to the carpet to avoid throwing up on the easily-cleaned linoleum floor.
5. I will not even THINK about going underneath the (Christmas) tree and going piddle on the dining room rug.
6. I will not fart loudly, then chase my tail to catch the noise.
7. I will not fart loudly, then look at Mommy like she's the culprit, because then Daddy believes me and it causes an argument.
8. I will not fart loudly, then wag my tail and *smile*.
9. I will not get mad at Mommy because she won't let me out of the house when I am sexually frustrated. She knows the Golden Retriever next door is in heat, and my sitting by the front door howling for days won't convince her I need to go out into the front yard to slake my carnal urges. She also gets really mad when I try to let myself out of the backyard by digging under the fence.
10. I will not get so excited that I piddle whenever I am greeted by humans I know.
11. I will not lick my paw after scratching my ear with it.
12. I will not lift my leg and pee on my Mom's neighbor when they are outdoors talking and my mother doesn't like the neighbor very much.
13. I will not lift my leg on Dad while he is asleep. (Oops! I got neutered for that one.)
14. I will not lift my leg to Nana's new suit from Nordstrom's.
15. I will not lift my leg to the pile of fabric that Mommy is going to sew with.
16. I will not lift my leg to the tub when Mom is taking a bubble-bath.
17. I will not pee in the bedroom doorway of Mom's new boyfriend the first time I visit his house.
18. I will not pee on the visiting mathematician before he has a chance to get out of bed and have his first coffee of the morning.
19. I will not poop on the new carpet while the installers are still there.
20. I will not relieve myself in the dog show ring.
21. I will not scratch in dog class.
22. I will not spend all day licking the wiener of Grandma's visiting dog Barney.
23. I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
24. I will not take a dump on my mother's non-dog loving younger sister's sleeping bag. (Jake, my last German Shepherd, was a pound dog and was having some digestive difficulties when this occurred.)
25. I will not throw up in Mommy's $200 cross trainers.
26. I will not throw up in the car.
27. I will not use the pillows on the bed in the guest bedroom as my "lover".
28. I will retain control over my bodily functions while rough housing with my human.
29. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
30. I will try to hold it until I am outside, I will not pee on the guest.
31. I will wait until we are at least three feet from the doorway of the apartment until peeing.
32. I will wipe my butt on the grass, not on the carpet. They're both green, but I know the difference.
33. If I fart, it is polite to either excuse myself or turn on the fan (leaving the room is NOT acceptable).
34. The Christmas Tree was NOT put there as my own personal 'relieving' post.
35. When I am in Church for the St. Francis Blessing of the Animals, I will not leave my own offering.
36. When I kiss someone's ear, I will remember that I have been fixed.
37. When the helpful policeman comes to take a report about a disturbance at my house, I will not piddle on his boots, no matter how dominant he may seem.

d) ---Children---

1. Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her face.
2. I will not eat the chocolate rabbits in the little human's Easter basket. It will give him a complex and make him think his parents do not love him.
3. I will not get loose and sneak into my neighbor's house, jump in bed with their son and awaken him by licking him in the face (especially when they do not have a pet) and then run wildly through their house. The ride with the police officer may have been fun, but Mom was not happy when she had to come to the police station to bail me out of jail.
4. I will not go into my human brother's room and retrieve his underwear after he has had an accident in it, and take it downstairs and leave it in the entry hall for visitors to enjoy.
5. I will not knock over the little neighborhood kids when I greet them.
6. I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the neighbor's kids' faces.
7. I will not visit the next door neighbours to play with their children at every possible opportunity.
8. I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not try to exert my dominance on them.
9. I will realize that no matter what I do, there will continue to small children in the world. I should let them live in peace.
10. Infants who have just finished their cereal (and they aren't real good at it yet!) have the *best* faces for washing.
11. Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should take it.
12. Trapping the child human under the covers that he is rolled up in is not nice and I will refrain from doing so. It only gets him in trouble with his older human.

e) ---Destroying---

1. A multi-colored ink pad is NOT food and will cause my paws to be green, my mouth to be blue, my tongue to be orange...and the carpet in the office to be all different colors!
2. Christmas is for humans, and I will not ruin the surprises by opening all their presents.
3. Even though it hisses, the garden hose is not a snake, and so does not need to be chewed every six inches along its length to keep it from attacking me.
4. I am a German Shepherd, not a spider. Mommy's embroidery floss is not good web material.
5. I shall not eat the crotch out of Mommy's dirty underwear when she forgets to close the closet where the laundry basket sits.
6. I will not bite a hole in the can of upholstery cleaner that Mommy left out (bad Mommy) because I look very silly covered in white foam. I especially won't do this when it's 20 below outside and the water heater's broken and Mommy has to stand in the cold shower in order to rinse the nasty stuff off me.
7. I will not bite my human's cellular phone every time it rings. [So far, Bob has destroyed 3 phones this way].
8. I will not chew a hole in the screen door to let myself out.
9. I will not chew my brother's leather collars off while my humans are gone.
10. I will not chew or shake full cans of beer.
11. I will not chew the dog training book, especially when it is a library book and my mother is a librarian.
12. I will not chew the waterbed because I am thirsty.
13. I will not chew up Mommy's spinning that she has been working on for months. (Especially NOT the Angora spinning!)
14. I will not crash through the gate, even if the coyotes are singing. (Crashing in, that is, to escape from the coyotes. Some guardian!)
15. I will not de-flea my Mum's pillow in the middle of the night whilst she is trying to sleep on it!
16. I will not destroy eight toilet rolls (after taking them upstairs so I don't get caught) complete with paper.
17. I will not destroy every doggie toy in less then five seconds.
18. I will not dismember children's dolls and leave the room looking like the aftermath of a hatchet-murder.
19. I will not drag logs from the wood pile and then hurl then at the glass doors just because I am bored/want to be let in. Neither will I shred these logs to splinters for Mummy or Daddy to clean up.
20. I will not eat every pillow in the house.
21. I will not eat or bury every potted plant that is within my reach, and then drag the pot onto the back porch so I can distribute the dirt and make paw prints.
22. I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.
23. I will not eat the chocolate Dad bought for Mom and had hidden in his closet, then breathe in his face so he can smell the chocolate mint and know who did it.
24. I will not eat the couch cushions.
25. I will not eat wall-to-wall carpet. (My German Shepherd ate all of the carpet in front of my front door, ARGGGHHH!)
26. I will not kill the neighbor humans blow-up pool and drag it triumphantly around the yard as the air comes out of it.
27. I will not peel wallpaper off the wall, then try convince Mom it wasn't me, even if I have drywall on the end of my nose.
28. I will not pull the cookbooks off the bookshelf and eat them.
29. I will not render the humans' stuffed animal to shreds while they are asleep so that they wake up to a snow storm through out the house; they are not amused. I also will not do this while they are away and have company coming home with them.
30. I will not tear the fabric skirt off the chair to get to my little puppy brother who is hiding from me.
31. I will not tear up my Mommy & Daddy's brand new sofa and shred the interior stuffing and try to tell my sister that it is snowing!
32. I will not throw a tantrum and tear up the bedding every time my human walks out of the house. He may only be going to the curb or the trash cans. I will wait until I hear the car start to throw a tantrum.
33. I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and Daddy are away at work.
34. I will not use all the door molding as a chew toy.
35. I will walk ten feet to the open gate rather than crashing through the garden fence right where I am.
36. I, Sampson the St. Bernard, will not eat my Mommy's shoes or leather vest, my Daddy's boots and socks, every basket in the house, the electric plug off the $600 stereo component that I somehow managed to get out of the stereo case, the new kitty, while I keep all of my toys (stuffed animals, balls, etc.) in pristine condition!
37. If I should happen to become bored while lying under Dad's truck, I will not pass the time by chewing up ALL of the electrical wires that I can reach and losing/eating pieces of them. Dad loves me a great deal, and it is not good for his state of mind to find himself seriously contemplating murdering me.
38. Ink jet cartridges are not chew toys. If I must think they are chew toys, I will try cleaning the carpet myself.
39. It is not a moral imperative that I take and destroy the tops of soda bottles as soon as Mommy removes them. They will not hurt her.
40. Just because I can see onto the counters does not mean I have eat/hide/destroy whatever is up there.
41. Just because the remote-control turns on the TV when I chew it does not qualify it as a 'squeaky toy'.
42. Mummy's wedding shoes are not a chew toy, even if she has just come back from her honeymoon.
43. Plastic tent stakes are NOT chew toys. Especially those buried in the ground with ropes attached.
44. The foot board of the human's bed is not my teething ring.
45. There IS a distinction between chew toys and compact disc jewel cases.
46. Those funny metal things on my human's teeth are meant to do something. I will not try to remove them when he falls asleep with his mouth open. (My orthodontist did not believe me when I said that the dog tried to remove my arch wire and broke off several brace platings. My parents did.)
47. Throwing all of the pillows off of the couch does not make it significantly larger; however, digging at the cushions and pulling the stuffing out does. I will refrain from doing this.
48. Uncle Billy's extensive hat collection is not a chew toy. (Well, now it is, but it wasn't supposed to be!)

f) ---Food/Water---

1. All three of us promise that the next time Mommy brings left-overs home from a pot-luck and mixes them in our dinner, we will not pick out the carrots, lick them clean and spit them out beside our bowls.
2. Bubbles in the bubble bath are not food.
3. Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.
4. Concrete, mortar, brick, and plaster are not the four basic food groups.
5. Crinkling cellophane is NOT a food sound from the wild and I will not come and hunt it when I hear it.
6. Dogs do not like jalapeno peppers. I am a dog.
7. Even if I do eat the top layer of off the lasagna, Mom will hide it by adding more cheese.
8. Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
9. For at least 24 hours prior to any road trip with my humans I will abstain from eating: almond rocca from the cat box, any rodent (or portion there of), used Barbie beds, or anything that is apt to give me horrible diarrhea.
10. I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
11. I do not have to be fed every time someone opens the fridge.
12. I do not need to bark excitedly at my food, "play-bow" to it, remove it one kibble at a time, and toss it around the kitchen before I eat it.
13. I shall graciously refuse offers of wildlife killed by the cat and brought to me for disposal by the boy human.
14. I will chew my grilled hotdog carefully so that I don't vomit it up whole later.
15. I will desist from flipping the kitchen trash can lid up can every time I walk by to check for a free snack.
16. I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of the serving bowls.
17. I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.
18. I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies, of course) on my family's plates.
19. I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat -- paper and all).
20. I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.
21. I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.
22. I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.
23. I will not eat Daddy's big jar of vaseline and then keep him up all night having to go to the bathroom.
24. I will not eat Mummy's lavender seedlings, nor will I rip up the "dog-proof" fence she put up to prevent me from eating the tomato plants (which I did), nor will I devour the stripping on the bungalow door.
25. I will not eat (peanut butter, suet, ...) because it makes me throw up, even though it usually stays down the second time.
26. I will not eat a whole loaf of bread; it only makes doxies look shorter.
27. I will not eat an entire stick of butter that the humans carelessly left on the dinner table.
28. I will not eat dirt from the house plant pots, which I then throw up in piles in various corners of the house.
29. I will not eat duraflame logs. I already have enough fiber in my diet.
30. I will not eat Mommy's hair clips for dessert.
31. I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they're out of the stocking!
32. I will not eat my human's plants.
33. I will not eat my kibbles a few at a time by dumping them from my dish and eating them from the floor. I will not forget I can't do this with water! If I do forget, I will not bark and bang my bowls until they are filled up again!
34. I will not eat the baggie of chocolate wafer cookies Daddy left on the coffee table so that Mommy has a big, brown, spot to clean off of the carpet when she gets home after a long day at work.
35. I will not eat the birdseed that the birds knock off the birdfeeder so that my next poop is a stream of birdseed.
36. I will not eat the boogers that the moron teenage boys feed me.
37. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
38. I will not eat the soap.
39. I will not eat the top off of blueberry pies.
40. I will not get a mouthful of kibble and dribble it all across the kitchen, dining room, and living room floor, just so Mom (who is reading in the living room) can watch me eat.
41. I will not get caught with my entire head in the dog food bag when Mom is busy cleaning my sister's paws.
42. I will not help myself to broccoli off the veggie tray at the Christmas party.
43. I will not help myself to the chocolate birthday cake my human threw into the trash last night.
44. I will not help myself to the fridge/freezer.
45. I will not intimidate my human's younger guests into giving me their steak.
46. I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and other edible things off the kitchen counters.
47. I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not looking.
48. I will not make gutteral noises when mommy and daddy order stuffed crust pizza and then sit at their feet and moan in a stage whisper while crawling like a soldier on the floor.
49. I will not remove the child-proof cap off the Tylenol and devour the contents, mainly because I have to throw them back up again when Mom shovels that stuff inside me.
50. I will not rummage through grandpa's briefcase and eat classified microfiche.
51. I will not run over to my human after eating and burp in his face.
52. I will not sit in the chair at the dining room table while I eat off of Mom's plate. That is flagrant disobedience.
53. I will not sneak a mouthful of chicken bones out of the garbage when my Mom's back is turned, and then clamp my jaws shut and growl when Mom and Dad try to pry my mouth open to get them out.
54. I will not steal and eat Mom's toenail clippings off the table.
55. I will not take each and every mouthful of food from the kitchen to the dining room to eat properly.
56. I will not take one look at the sand at the beach and say, "snack time!"
57. I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.
58. I will not try to lap up the water in the shower while Mom is taking her shower.
59. I will politely refuse when my great-grandmother makes me steak tips and rice, because I know this is not good for me.
60. I will refrain from eating the cake that Mommy has made for her Aunt (a nun) who is visiting for the first time in five years. One it embarrasses her to serve cheap cookies to guest. Two, she will get even for with me by doing things like making me wear the rest of the cake.
61. If I absolutely must eat all the Christmas baking my Mommy stayed up all night to do, I won't run up to her and burp contentedly in her face.
62. If I must slurp from Dad's beer glass, it should be a national brand and not a microbrew.
63. If my human ignores me and doesn't share her bacon, I will not reach over and tap her arm to remind her of my presence.
64. Just because I'm spotted like a Holstein does not mean I need to graze like one.
65. Just because Mommy's kitchen table is the same height as my nose, it does not mean that I can stand by the table and try to inhale her food off her plate. This is not polite.
66. Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food.
67. Leftover Halloween candy is not dog food.
68. Lipstick is not food, even if Mommy 'eats' it. (The effect was a bit frightening!)
69. Mom's $300 Oscar de la Renta sunglasses are not tasty snacks. Neither are her brother-in-law's wallet or eyeglasses.
70. Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.
71. Old cooking oil in the deep fryer is not a tasty drink.
72. Petroleum products, anti-bacterial or not, should not be consumed.
73. Rolling Stone magazine is a READING supplement, not an EATING one.
74. The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
75. Wallpaper, drywall, and fiberglass insulation is a three-course meal that gives me a tummyache.
76. When I am through eating, it is not necessary to turn my bowl on its side.
77. When I drink water, I will remember to swallow.
78. When the nice neighbor man gives the remains of the deer he shot to me and Packer, it is not a take-home meal.

g) ---Gross!---

1. Drooling on guests is not a social skill.
2. I do not need to immediately find Mommy and give her all kinds of kisses when I have just had a drink from my favorite water bowl in the bathroom.
3. I will not belch loudly, then smack my lips and smile when Mommy and Daddy have guests.
4. I will not breathe on Mommy after "recycling" the poop in the backyard.
5. I will not bring in rotting snake heads and drop them in someone's lap (especially venomous ones).
6. I will not burp an inch from Mom's face after I have been a "Turd Burglar" in the cats' litter box. The putrid vapors usually render her unconscious!
7. I will not catch and eat squirrels in the back yard and then act offended when Mommy doesn't want me to lick her face afterward.
8. I will not catch mice, and run around the yard while they're squeaking in my mouth playing Catch The Dog with Mommy. Further, I will not then regurgitate them whole, re-eat them and play Catch with Mommy again. (Why does Mommy keep shrieking like that?)
9. I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my human will think I am hemorrhaging.
10. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
11. I will not clean up after the cat when he throws up his breakfast. (Actually, I rather like that habit, as then I don't have to.)
12. I will not drool onto the dinner table or my Mom's plate.
13. I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into Mommy's lap.
14. I will not eat any more socks and then re
15. deposit them in the backyard after processing. (I did threaten to return the sock of a house guest who had been warned not to leave his socks around. It had been 'processed' and the pattern was still recognizable in the pile in the back yard.)
16. I will not eat the dirty diapers left in the trash.
17. I will not eat squirrels that the cat previously killed and then dragged into my doghouse and left there.
18. I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.
19. I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on them until they are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass door with a rodent tail hanging from my mouth while my Mummy is eating dinner!
20. I will not eat my own vomit.
21. I will not eat other animals' poop.
22. I will not eat out of the toddler's potty any more. (It really grosses everyone out, but why do the humans insist on dumping the contents into my other water bowl and flushing it away?)
23. I will not give Mommy bugs as a present.
24. I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my human is about to put on.
25. I will not leave uneaten pieces of roaches lying around the house.
26. I will not lick Daddy's face after I've cleaned my private parts.
27. I will not lick Mommy and Daddy's feet (after they remove socks/tights) after they've been to the gym and didn't shower afterwards.
28. I will not lick Mommy's ear canal when she picks me up.
29. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
30. I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are asleep.
31. I will not lick the inside of Mommy's nose. She says this feels nasty.
32. I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.
33. I will not make my human throw my fetch toy after I have been gumming it for an hour.
34. I will not pick out the old bubble gum from my human's trash can, chew it, and then leave it on the floor.
35. I will not push drool-covered toys against Mom's face when she is lying down.
36. I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
37. I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
38. I will not run over to my human after eating and burp in his face
39. I will not shake my head, causing large gobs of dog slime to land on people's bodies/papers from work/food.
40. I will not sit next to my human while she eats dinner and salivate to the point that streams of drool are running down her leg.
41. I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.
42. I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
43. I will not throw my slobbered-on toy in my human's lap.
44. I will not try to convince the person who ALWAYS gives me dog cookies that I love her new silk dress by covering it with doggy drool.
45. I will not turn up my nose at my dog food, then go over to the horse pasture and eat their poop as if it is a delicacy.
46. I will not vomit every time we go for a car ride.
47. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
48. I won't roll in something real stinky and then go roll all over Mom's bed to make it smell "good" too.
49. It is not my duty to keep the kitty litter box clean.
50. Just because I'm feeling ill does not mean I need to crawl into Mom's lap every time I'm going to vomit.
51. Kitty box "crunchies" are not food. (Yep, I know it's a duplicate; my dogs are repeat offenders.)
52. Mom and Dad know I appreciate them. I do not need to thank them after my meal by placing my food, water, and drool-covered chin in their laps.
53. Mom doesn't like it when I put a coyote skull on her pillow.
54. My own urine is not a legitimate beverage, no matter how yummy it tastes. I am not to rest my head on my human's lap right after I drink it, either.
55. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
56. The neighbour's cat, who died under the car in the back yard and is now rather ripe, is *NOT* food!
57. We can't dig nice, warm, winter nests in the big pile of composted horse manure and still expect to be allowed inside the house.

h) ---Hampering---

1. Cyclists do not need to be organized. (Same goes for loud trucks, RVs, any vehicle with flapping traps, and anything with a siren).
2. Dad doesn't need help tying his shoes... really.
3. I am a Golden Retriever, not a lap dog. I will not try to sit on Mom's lap when riding in the car.
4. I am a solid dog. Stopping in front of Mummy on the stairs when she has a basket of washing and can't see me is not good for my health, or hers.
5. I cannot type. And even if I could, I am barely able to speak English. Therefore, I probably cannot program in Smalltalk, and will refrain from trying to help Mom at the keyboard.
6. I do not have to take my half of the bed from the exact middle.
7. I will keep my head out of the dishwasher no matter what is on the dirty dishes.
8. I will never again think that Dad won't mind me climbing behind his seat (since he won't let me sit on his lap) while he's driving down an interstate in a two-seat sports car!
9. I will not attempt to climb in Mom's lap while she is driving.
10. I will not bury my bowl in the bottom of the garden so Mum had to search for it by torchlight while avoiding any "surprises".
11. I will not cause a traffic jam by having sex with a collie in the middle of the road. Mom gets embarrassed when she has to get me out of situations like that.
12. I will not eat my human's mail, especially the bills.
13. I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in it!
14. I will not get between Mommy and her book when she's trying to read, and just because parts of her chest stick out and are padded, they are not for me to brace my feet against.
15. I will not help Mommy by digging up all those tasty bulbs she buried for me.
16. I will not knock the pile of folded clothes from the bed as Mommy tries to fold the laundry.
17. I will not jam my nose under Mommy's arm when she's on the computer so that she tweaks the mouse and uninstalls Netscape Navigator.
18. I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when Mommy and Daddy are already running late and ready to leave.
19. I will not lie on Mommy's fabric when she is trying to cut out a pattern.
20. I will not lie on the foot pedal of Mommy's sewing machine when she is trying to use it.
21. I will not play tag around the dining room table after I have found a "treasure" (underwear, socks, tissues or other "stuff" from the trash, kitchen towels, school projects, money, etc.), when Mommy is trying to catch me.
22. I will not shift the car into neutral while Mom is driving 65 mph in a blizzard.
23. I will not smear dog snot on my Mommy's black pants when she's late for work.
24. I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs Mommy has just planted.
25. I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans while they are eating.
26. I will not steal the dishes from the dishwasher and hide them in my kennel.
27. I will not steal the neighbor's Christmas light bulbs.
28. I will not steal the neighbor's underwear off of their laundry line.
29. I will not sulk by trying to sleep under Mummy's feet while she is making breakfast, washing, going to the toilet, etc. just because she slept in, is in a hurry and can't take me for walkies.
30. I will not walk through the open newspaper to gain my Mommy's undivided attention as she is reading it!
31. I will quit trying to drive the car and will stay down in the floor board.
32. I will stay out of the garden. Mom does not need help weeding or planting out new plants. (It's OK to help with pruning, though. I can grab the branches and take them all over the yard!)
33. If the human in the wheel chair falls out, I should go and get help and not view it as an opportunity to clean her ears.
34. Mom and Dad's checkbook is not a chew toy. They get really mad when they have to chase us around the back yard (1/3 acre) to get it back.
35. Mommy doesn't have to hold me in her arms so I can see, too, when Mommy is talking to someone/cleaning the aquarium/doing the ironing/working on the computer.
36. Mommy knows her way around the house all by herself. She doesn't need me to herd her into the shower, into the bedroom, back into the bathroom, and into the kitchen every morning.
37. When Mom is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to start a game of tug-of-war.
38. When Momma picks up the sticks and carries them out of the yard, she is not playing a very slow game of fetch with me. I am not supposed to bring each and every stick back where it came from before the Big Human arrives with the mower.
39. When Mommy is digging in the dirt to plant spring plants it IS NOT an invitation to dig up any spot you feel I need to dig in!
40. When Mommy is working at home, I will not lay down all over the expense reports. I also will not eat the Department of Transportation's budget.
41. When pulling Dad on the leash, I will occasionally allow my front feet to touch the ground.
42. When the human in the wheel chair requests that I move my body, I will move and not try to confine her to one fixed location.

i) ---Human-Related---

1. AKC obedience trial judges will NOT give extra points for knocking Mommy down on the recall exercise. When she calls me, I will remember to stop running BEFORE I reach her. (She did this once in puppy kindergarten and we all laughed. She's been trying to get a laugh with that trick ever since!)
2. Despite popular canine thought, the UPS man is not the anti-Christ.
3. Don't growl at Nana when she has a metal pipe-she can throw it farther than one would think.
4. I do not have to be in the room when my Mom goes to the bathroom.
5. I do not have to meet EVERYONE.
6. I do not need to bowl Mummy over in Doggy School, there by covering her in mud and fracturing her wrist. (Yes -- it happened.)
7. I do not need to knock down everybody that steps into my back yard.
8. I don't need to greet the pizza man personally every time he makes a delivery.
9. I will not accelerate quickly off Dad's lap, causing him excruciating pain.
10. I will not attack Daddy even if he is wearing a funny red suit, pillows and a phony beard.
11. I will not attack Mom's boyfriend when he is tickling her -- he isn't really trying to hurt her.
12. I will not attack my human every time he sits on the floor while talking with someone on the telephone.
13. I will not attack the toll attendants for taking Mommy's money.
14. I will not bark and growl at my human when he is sitting on the toilet.
15. I will not bathe anyone's face when they're cranking the ice cream maker.
16. I will not bite my Daddy in the ass when he turns away just after scolding me.
17. I will not bite my Mommy's ass when she is trying to rescue my toe from the grips of the evil screen door.
18. I will not bite people at the door in the groin until my humans tell me to.
19. I will not drop my human's pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop it'.
20. I will not drop my Plaque Attacker on Mom's feet, as it is heavy and hard. I will especially not drop it on her feet when she's standing beside the bed and I'm standing *on* the bed.
21. I will not eat my future-Daddy's hair when he sits on the couch next to Mommy.
22. I will not go into the back seat and cover my eyes with my paws just because Mom's driving.
23. I will not greet the humans at the back door with their personal possessions (retrieved from the closet) in my mouth.
24. I will not growl at every person that walks down the street.
25. I will not growl at my human's mother(-in-law).
26. I will not growl at the strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)
27. I will not head-butt Daddy with my nose.
28. I will not herd my humans out of the hallway and into one room so I can watch all of them at once.
29. I will not howl when my human is practicing the {piano/violin/glockenspiel}.
30. I will not hump the leg of the minister when he comes to call on my human.
31. I will not jump on my Mommy's pregnant tummy.
32. I will not kiss Mommy when she is scolding me.
33. I will not kiss the back of future-Daddy's neck when he sits on the couch next to Mommy. Only Mommy is allowed to do that.
34. I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.
35. I will not launch myself from the doorway, leap half across the room and land on Marvin's tum as soon as he relaxes after dinner.
36. I will not lick my Mommy's tennis partners' sweaty legs when they come in for a chat after a match.
37. I will not lick the humans' faces while they are being ..ahem... intimate.
38. I will not nip Mommy in the behind to get her to move faster.
39. I will not piddle and run and hide whenever my human gives a down-stay command.
40. I will not sit under the dinner table and bite people on their toes to gain attention (read food)!
41. I will not stalk other hikers.
42. I will not stare at my human as if she's an axe murderer when she comes to visit.
43. I will not steal my human's pillow (after she has shoved me off several times) by dunking my face in my water dish and then poking my cold wet nose in her stomach.
44. I will not stop suddenly, without warning while my Mom and I are out on our nightly run, causing her to trip over me and step on my back leg, thus causing me to twist around and rear back practically knocking out her front tooth. My Mom should not have to wear a helmet and padding to exercise me. (I kid you not, this happened to my this past Friday night. I had to call the dentist at home and have him meet me at his office at 7:00 p.m. to have him put my tooth back in place and wire it in. The dog got away with a few scrapes on his back leg, but I get to wear these lovely temporary braces for 5 weeks. My dog is a 65 lb. Australian Shepherd, no small pooch.
45. I will not try to bite the mailman several times, getting my Mommy and Daddy's mail stopped, causing my Daddy to go to court and pay a stiff fine, lose his truck that was illegally parked in front of the courthouse, pay even more fines for not having insurance, current registration and parking illegally and getting kicked out of the house by Mommy. (This really happened to a very stupid neighbor).
46. I will not use Mom's chest as a springboard when I hear a noise outside. (Just to make this clear, Mom is propped in bed reading.)
47. I will quit attacking Mom, who is just minding her own business, when Dad is the one teasing me.
48. I will recognize my beloved human, even if she *is* wearing her drum-n-bugle-corps uniform.
49. I won't jump up on Dad's stomach when he's talking on the phone.
50. If I roll over and try to shake paws, it won't necessarily get me out of trouble.
51. If I sit at the foot of the bed and howl, Dad will not turn the car around and come back, and (the still sleeping) Mom will just yell at me and call me an S.O.B. (which I am, technically...)
52. If Mommy is lying on the floor because she had a sore back licking her face will not help.
53. It's best not to bite the hand of the policeman when he reaches in to get Mom's license.
54. It's okay for Mommy and Daddy to be in different rooms.
55. It is OK for me to bark at the 17 year old boy (wearing eyeliner and chains) who shows up to go out with Mom's only daughter.
56. It is not necessary to lick Mom's legs dry when she steps from the shower.
57. Jumping the fence and landing in the arms of my new neighbor is not a good way to introduce myself.
58. Just because Mommy is on the floor does not mean she wants to play with me.
59. Licking the Judge in the face is not a good way to earn points or win a Dog Show.
60. Mommy can lie on the floor if she wants to. (Annie gets upset. Dogs are for the floor, people should be on furniture.)
61. Mommy can take a shower without having my rope/ball/bone with her.
62. Mommy's hand is not a toy. I like chewing on it because she can't throw it away, but it is not a toy.
63. My bath time is not during Mommy's shower. I will lie quietly guarding her until she's finished. I will not attempt to join her.
64. My human's brother-in-law is not the Antichrist.
65. My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.
66. The carolers outside do not need my help to sing their songs.
67. The mailman is NOT a chew toy.
68. There are certain places on Daddy that are not okay to nibble when we are rough-housing. This endangers my life.
69. When Dad's stomach growls in the middle of the night, it is not necessarily directly at me, and I do not need to respond by attacking his midsection.
70. When I am being blessed on the Feast of St. Francis, I will not snap at the priest as he is anointing me.
71. When Mommy is trying to take a nice relaxing bubble bath (after a rather rough day), we will not sit outside the door of the bathroom crying and whining.
72. When Mommy rises early from the bed, I will not play a trick on Daddy by kissing him so he rolls over and gives me a tongue-kiss, too. He makes a loud noise when he finds out it's me.
73. When my friend comes over to wrestle with me, if we find Granddad sleeping in a lawn chair then it can be safely assumed that he does NOT want to be included in the game.
74. When my humans are kissing and making out, I will not whine jealously and try to force myself between them.
75. When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to get them to notice I'm upset.

j) ---Mess Making---

1. Being allowed on the furniture in humanspeak means getting on quietly and lying down for a nap. It does *not* mean thundering in from the garden with muddy paws, followed by my four brothers and sisters, all of us jumping on the sofa to play there just because it's so much softer and warmer than the floor.
2. Dad did NOT till the garden in order to make it easier for me to dig in.
3. I will not bark at Mommy to get up and let me out then pee and poop on the rug when we get to the door. Then play with Mommy's hair because I can't fall asleep.
4. I will not blow bubbles in my water dish and walk in the drops with muddy paws, especially after watching Mom mop the white kitchen tile floor while I napped.
5. I will not bury my Chewman up to the neck in the yard to frighten my humans. (I actually ran over one with the lawnmower. We have probably a dozen of them in the yard in various stages of burying. A few have only the head and one arm sticking up out of the grass. It's eerie.)
6. I will not bury my gravy coated bones in my human's pillow.
7. I will not dig in the potpourri bowls.
8. I will not eat "Tootsie Rolls" out of the cat box, and leave them and the gravel all over the recreation room floor.
9. I will not escape outside and head directly for the freshly poured cement of our new porch.
10. I will not figure out how to open the back door myself at 2 a.m., go for a swim, and then return to bed. (I thought he had wet his bed until I realized his bladder could not be that big!)
11. I will not get all wet/muddy and then walk against all the walls in the house (so that my Mum can see just how much I've grown!).
12. I will not gnaw on Daddy's hardback reference books. (This tends to stain the side of my white face red or blue for about a month.)
13. I will not grab the bowl of half-jelled cranberries off the front step and fling them across the snow so it looks like I murdered someone in the front yard.
14. I will not have a DOG PARTY in the house. If you want to know why just go to the Hall of Shame. My dogs were sooo bad they ended up in the Hall of Fame on Bad Dog chronicles! (Actually, they are all house dogs. However, it's usually 3 in at a time. If everyone is inside at once, I am always there with them. They just couldn't stand it when I wasn't there to tell them, no. So, they had one heck of a DOG PARTY.)
15. I will not jump all over the mattress that is being made up with my muddy feet.
16. I will not jump up on my human when he/she gets home from work and is wearing nice clothes.
17. I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud puddle.
18. I will not make big splashes in mud puddles when heeling beside my human.
19. I will not open Mom's mirrored closet door by myself anymore, thereby making it look like a glass of milk was thrown at it.
20. I will not open the kitchen cabinets.
21. I will not pull off the washing (esp Mum's best towels) and rub them in the mud and my poo. This does not make Mum happy as she has to pick out all the burs etc by hand after the re-wash.
22. I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible on the floor.
23. I will not rub my nose all over the patio door after Mom has cleaned it.
24. I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.
25. I will not run through the water coming from the hose when my human is watering the trees and then roll in grass clippings and dirt and run through the house and roll on the carpet.
26. I will not send my full food dish for a ride down the staircase.
27. I will not scooch my bottom on the new light-colored carpet.
28. I will not spin around on the Sunday New York Times Dad left on the floor to cover the whole living room floor with news paper, then grind the print in to the carpet.
29. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
30. I will not take a flying leap from 10 feet across the room into Daddys' lap, landing in his dinner and causing it to fly everywhere!
31. I will not take a flying leap into the hot tub with Mom and Dad. (We all nearly drowned.)
32. I will not try to dominate my larger, younger, also neutered brother at every possible opportunity by forcing him to submit to violent bitch-on-top sex in the car at the traffic lights.
33. I will not try to eat the rear windscreen wiper in my Mom's car, thus smearing the inside of the window worse than the outside was.
34. I will refrain from rolling in wet sand after I have been swimming, and right before I am to ride home in the car.
35. If I do not want my dinner, it is not necessary to shred newspapers and bury it.
36. Licking the dishes is acceptable, if they are NOT clean.
37. Peeing on Daddy's pillow does not make him love me.
38. Toilet paper tubes are not special snack treats.
39. When I get sick or have the doo-doo's, I will find a slick floor on which to do my business so my human can clean it up more easily.

k) ---Miscellaneous---

1. Being groomed and combed is fun. Really.
2. Briar bushes are not fun.
3. "Down" is not a foreign word.
4. Eighty kilogram Rottweilers should not even bother to try to hide under small coffee tables when they have been naughty.
5. I cannot decide when to take a break during agility training.
6. I like car rides, really, they are neat fun... really...
7. I will come out of my crate, even when I'm *not* in trouble, without Mom having to tip it up sideways so I slide out.
8. I will get my picture taken with that fat red man who smells like every dog that ever lived for charity.
9. I will not cook when the humans are out (or in).
10. I will not eat the Bad Dog list.
11. I will not make my sister/brother (the kitty)'s, life a misery when it is clear she/he is not interested in playing.
12. I will not open any presents before Christmas.
13. I will not pull all the stuffing out of my Chewman within 10 minutes of getting it.
14. I will not search the Christmas presents under the tree looking for mine.
15. I will not slurp up a peg on the cribbage board when I am walking by a game.
16. I will stop "posturing" when Mommy plays with me because I knock her over.
17. Moaning while getting a bath will not speed up the process.
18. Mom and Dad don't need to get soaked just because I am getting a bath.
19. The doggie door is my friend.

l) ---Misuse/Misappropriation of Items---

1. All things within my reach are not my toys; anything not within my reach but I can jump and get is also not my toy.
2. Even if someone leaves it on the floor, I should not urinate on the keyboard (we had to buy a new keyboard because, ironically, the "P" key would not work anymore).
3. I do not have a little Scrabble board in my tummy. Eating a letter when Mommy and Daddy play does not score me any points. Anywhere.
4. I will not push my food bowl all around the backyard. (This trick she has managed to teach to the other three dogs.)
5. I will not steal watches and bury them in the back yard.
6. I will not use the carpet as toilet paper.
7. Just because the water bowl outside is empty doesn't mean that I need to punish it by burying it in the woods.
8. Momma's rules override the Big Human's rules. If Momma gets another glass yard ball and Dad suggests that SOMEBODY ought to 'get rid of that ugly thing,' I will NOT be the somebody, this time.
9. Mommy is not a salt lick.
10. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. My Mommy's lap is not a napkin.
12. My rawhide bone does not belong in my Mom's bath.
13. People are NOT pillows.
14. Tennis balls do not belong in the dishwasher.
15. That is not my {turkey, stocking, present}.
16. The agility field is NOT a doggy social meeting place.
17. The balls on the Christmas tree are not dog balls.
18. The coffee table is not my private throne, and I should stay off of it.
19. The laundry basket does *not* contain nesting material.
20. The Persian rug is not for playing tug-of-war.
21. The rug is not a napkin.
22. The sofa is not a face towel.

m) ---Night-time---

1. Barking at the milkman at 6 a.m. *every morning* is not necessary!
2. Even though I am a Jack Russell Terrier, I will not escape the fenced back yard in freezing rain, find a hole, wedge my head under a rock 4 feet down, and wait quietly and patiently while my Mom tries to find me at 1:00 am in order to dig me out.
3. I am not an alarm clock. The human does not need to be woken at the same time every day.
4. I will not attack the backs of Mommy's legs and see if she falls down at 6 a.m.
5. I will not bark at the bedroom air conditioner when it turns itself off at 3 a.m. (My dog Eric gets very put out when her creature comforts are interfered with.)
6. I will not destroy the wooden fence at the front so I can escape and make my Mummy's neighbour deliver me back to her at 5 a.m. (he is on shift work)
7. I will not howl in Mama's ear when the alarm goes off. She is perfectly capable of hearing it herself.
8. I will not reset the alarm clock, making my humans late for work, just because I think they could use the day off.
9. I will not rest my head on the bed, 2 inches from my Mom's face at 2 a.m., and then blow to clear out my boxer sinus' if she doesn't wake up immediately to let me outside.
10. I will not wait until the humans are all falling asleep (in the same room) to fart.
11. I will not wait until we all (Mom, Dad & I) get into bed, before I decide I need to barf. (This has happened ??? times!)
12. I will not wake up the humans by scratching my nails down the window glass by the bed.
13. I will time my need to go "out" for reasonable hours. The hours between midnight and 6 a.m. are NOT reasonable.
14. The loudest toy I own does not need to be chomped on next to my human's head at 3 a.m.
15. When I need to leave my kennel to go outside to pee, the shortest route is NOT across the bed, especially not at 4 a.m.

n) ---Not All There---

1. Creeping towards the human on my stomach while he is scolding me will not negate my crime. (This was a German Shepherd; the effect was so ridiculous you couldn't be mad at her for long.)
2. Chewing the cord of the iron when Mummy is using it is not good for my health.
3. Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.
4. Freezing nights are not good time to play in the backyard with Mommy. I have a fur coat, Mommy doesn't.
5. I am a great big Malamute. I will not scream, wet on myself and cower in the car each and every time I see a live chicken. I will be brave, I will, I will. This happened the first time I took our 56 lb dog to my in-laws and the hens (not even a rooster!) are still laughing about it.
6. I am a [Rhodesian Ridgeback | German Shepherd], *not* a lapdog!
7. I am a BIG Newfoundlander, and don't need to be bullied out of my house by the visiting Staffordshire puppy when it rains.
8. I am a brave watchdog, and I can protect my home from fierce neighborhood kitties and the Sheltie puppy next door when the door is open just as well as when it is closed.
9. I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is -10 F.
10. I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.
11. I don't need to thank Mom/Dad every few bites of my breakfast/dinner.
12. I do not need to watch and whine incessantly while Mommy and Daddy are using the shower. There is no water monster!
13. I know that deer statues are not real and will not try to attack them.
14. I must face the same direction as the other dogs when I am harnessed with them or I will get dragged.
15. I will accept that I will not go up the steps since I have not learned how to go back down and the human gets tired of chasing me around the landing for 30 minutes only to have to carry me back down. Sorry, I weigh 50 lbs and never did learn that down trick.
16. I will check to see if the sliding glass door is open before I run through it. (We had to put a big red dot at Cocker eye level on all our glass doors)
17. I will not be afraid of and yelp at large boxes, children's toys, or my own tail when I catch sight of it unexpectedly.
18. I will not be the only dog in the village who prefers the pain of my choke collar snapping to letting my cat-brother walk casually across the yard without fear.
19. I will not bite the wheels of the lawn mower. (One of my other German Shepherds believes that it is her duty to protect me from the vicious lawnmower, and she terrorizes it whenever it is removed from it's house.)
20. I will not break my leather collar when I am chained up because I am scared of the pretty balloon that is floating over my Mommy's house. I will also not break my new (2nd) leather collar when I am chained up and my Daddy is mowing the yard.
21. I will not chase and bark at the circle of light from the flashlight on the ground or floor.
22. I will not chase the laundry down the laundry chute, because I get stuck *every* time, and Daddy has to pull me through to the basement, and that hurts my tummy.
23. I will not chase the shadows on the wall because Mommy and Daddy will think I am nuts. (But they don't hear the voices...)
24. I will not crawl under the bed, get stuck, then whimper pathetically till somebody comes to find me.
25. I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture when people are sitting on it.
26. I will not fool with Daddy's electric razor, even if he lets it lie on the bed. It turns on easily and makes spooky noise.
27. I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know whether my human asked for it or not.
28. I will not go nuts at the sight/hearing of open microwaves, cell phones, car doors, vacuum cleaners, sneezes, leashes, keys, pots and pans, can openers, snowblowers, lawnmowers, and fireworks.
29. I will not jump out of the pickup truck bed while it is travelling down the freeway.
30. I will not jump out through the window (through the glass, on any floor of the house) in my enthusiasm to greet my human when he gets home.
31. I will not lick the legs of Mommy's chair and then get stepped on when she gets up.
32. I will not lie on the floor and snap at the ceiling fan. I will not catch it and it just makes me look stupid.
33. I will not lie on the ground in the snow and refuse to get up when Mommy says to even though it's only 15 F out and Mommy forgot her hat and gloves.
34. I will not persuade Grandma to let me out the front door so that I can play in traffic.
35. I will not smash my whole body against the patio doors when I want in, causing the entire door to smash to smithereens. (Mastiffs must write this out extra times)
36. I will not stand at the top of the stairs and cry piteously when asked if I have to go out. If I do cry at the top of the stairs, I will *not* wait till my Mommy gets 3/4 of the way up the stairs to blast down full speed between her legs, then wonder why she does that strange 'bump-thump' dance down the stairs after me.
37. I will not stand in the corner between a half-open door and the wall whining to be let out.
38. I will not stick my head into a lit candle, thereby curling my mouth whiskers and eyebrows.
39. I will not stick my head through the fence and get it stuck when the geese are walking by anymore.
40. I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck in front of us.
41. I will not try to go under the brand new chain link fence and get stuck. If I forget that I can't go under and do end up stuck, I will call for Mommy's help instead of continuing under and costing my Mom $1200+ in vet bills.
42. I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
43. I will not whine at Mommy just because she's talking on the cordless telephone.
44. I will not yank my Mom's arm out of its socket when we're on a walk as I try to get to every fluffy dandelion head I see so I can eat it.
45. I will remember what I am doing long enough to pick up the stick when we play "fetch".
46. I will watch where I am going, so that I will stop running into small, but very hard, trees.
47. Ice coated steps are slick. I need to slowly and carefully walk down them. I do NOT need to tear out the door full speed, slide into the retaining wall, bounce back against the house and take the rest of the steps on my chin. (Every time!)
48. If I am going for a ten kilometer run it is not a good idea to go flat out for the first kilometer.
49. If I can come in the doggy door, I can also go out of it.
50. If I decide to take a walk without my human, I will remember how to get back home. It is a rather an embarrassing thing to have my human's neighbor a block away call and say that I am sitting on their porch crying.
51. It is fun and good exercise to race the four-wheeler when Dad is riding it, because he drives fast. However, any value this may have to my health will quickly evaporate if I keep weaving in front of the tires.
52. It is not necessary to chase cars, then run out onto the street and get hit.
53. It is not wise to try and catch bees. They will sting my mouth and then I will look funny.
54. Just because Mom hit me in the head once with my rawhide chew doesn't mean I have to duck every time she says "catch."
55. Lying on top of them does not help the potted plants grow.
56. My human does not have to hold the bone while I chew it; I can do it myself.
57. Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be afraid of them.
58. The dogs on TV are not real.
59. The feather pillow is not a bird. I will not flush it out of its hiding place.
60. The Flat Folk in the mirror and their dog (who looks a lot like me) are not thieves. They live here, too.
61. The garbage truck is a fact of modern life. I do not need to bark at the truck every Tuesday morning at 6:00 a.m. Nor am I in any danger from the large plastic garbage cans that Mommy and her neighbors put out every Monday night, so I will not insist on giving them a wide berth and growling at them during our walk.
62. The meter man is not going to attack my house.
63. The plastic owl is to scare woodpeckers, since I'm not a woodpecker, I won't be scared.
64. The trash can with the step on foot will bite my head. (Maesc took about fifteen minutes to figure out that the trash can lid will go up if he steps on the lever. He hasn't quite figured out he has to keep his foot on it or the lid will slam on his head.)
65. There are no humans hiding inside the radio/TV.
66. There is not a doggy door in the screen.
67. Water dropping from a height is not dangerous, and does not need to be subdued instantly. I don't have to be there when the humans empty the vaporizer into the tub, so I can bite the water.
68. "Who's the puppy?" is not a recognized obedience signal for jumping over the couch backwards.
69. When I am at Dog Park, it is not good to run full speed the ENTIRE time. I can take a break occasionally. If I do run non-stop, I will be sore and stiff later in the day and Mommy will laugh at me, even if she does give me an aspirin.
70. When I am playing ball in the back yard and someone walks down the street, I will spit the ball out of my mouth before running to the fence to bark at them. (Instead of barking with the ball still in my mouth.)
71. When visiting a new place, I will check to make sure the big blue field at the end of the wooden sidewalk is solid before I just run off the end of it. (He used to like the water, but after doing this at the end of April in Minnesota he won't go near it any more!)

o) ---Other Critters---

1. A dead field mouse I found in the living room one night is not a toy (although for all Mom and Dad know, it was still alive when I started playing with it).
2. A live, injured pigeon that I proudly carried in my mouth while I pranced around the back yard with it was not a toy. (I don't understand why my Mom was screaming at me over and over to drop it; though I think maybe she was yelling at me that I am a herding dog, not a birding dog) (the dog in question was a Bearded Collie -- a sheepdog).
3. A pouring rainstorm is not a good time to play tag with Mommy, a cat, and a shrub.
4. Deer don't like me because I have a jingle-jangle collar. Chasing them doesn't change this. I only jangle louder.
5. Horses aren't playmates. The Mountie has a job to do, and his horse is part of that job. I cannot commandeer its time.
6. I am a 125 lb. St. Bernard. I will not allow the neighbor's 2 lb. kitten to beat me up.
7. I am a Corgi; I am not bigger than the Doberman and German Shepherd.
8. I am a German Shepherd, and a Highland Terrier puppy is SMALLER than I am.
9. I am a livestock GUARDIAN, my job description does not include terrorizing the sheep, eating their droppings, or rolling in same.
10. I am bigger than that cat next door and should not be afraid of it.
11. I do not have to check the new puppy every 5 minutes to see if he is still a boy. He was, he is, and he will be.
12. I must realize that the coyotes are terrible snobs, and that howling along with them will not get them to talk to me (especially when my howl sounds like the horn on the Queen Mary).
13. I shall refrain from starting fights with bunches of German Shepherds and Rottweilers and then sit there looking innocent when their humans tell them off for attacking a dog a tenth of their size.
14. I will leave the old dog alone when it doesn't want to play.
15. I will not allow birds to eat my food from my dish and bathe in my water bowl.
16. I will not argue with my sister over who gets to ride in the front seat next to Mommy.
17. I will not beat up the other dogs in the house even though the smaller ones keep challenging me.
18. I will not bite Blackie (my Labrador friend) on the ear, neck, legs, tail, or anything else I can bite because she won't play with me.
19. I will not bring live frogs or lizards into the house. [Bob used to do this and then get highly excited as I probed around under the freezer with the handle of the yard-sweeping brush trying to extract the terrified amphibian(s)!]
20. I will not charge at top speed and pounce on the sleeping cats.
21. I will not chase the cat out of the bedroom at full speed, at night, when there are no lights on, and run directly into my Mom who was attempting to enter the room and turn on the light unaware of the chase in progress. I cannot see in the dark like the cat can.
22. I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming across the lake.
23. I will not chase the wild bunnies in our back yard and eat their poop (and then later throw it up on Mom and Dad's bed).
24. I will not continue to clean dog food from my teeth with the neighborhood porcupine.
25. I will not eat ANY other pets on the farm, even if they are recognized as food animals (specifically ducks) and are roaming around loose, just begging to be eaten.
26. I will not eat Mom's $900 Amazon parrot!
27. I will not eat the frogs in the garden. (They make my mouth get all foamy and make my human worried that they might be poisonous.)
28. I will not escape from the back yard and go into the neighbor's back yard to play with my best friend, the German Shepherd.
29. I will not fetch the cat every time Dad calls for him. (My golden retriever use to go get the cat if she would not come the first time I called, she would came back with the cat hanging out both sides of her mouth. Prissy did not seem to mind!)
30. I will not flip small dogs over with my snout just for the fun of it, especially not at the top of the stairs.
31. I will not herd the animals in the church's nativity scene.
32. I will not lift my leg to my sister.
33. I will not pick up Kitty by the head.
34. I will not play tag with armadillos. (They fight back!)
35. I will not run screaming from Daddy's iguana (as it is stuffed) as every time I sniff it it moves (on average three times daily).
36. I will not sniff at my sister's backside while she is going to the bathroom.
37. I will not tear open the box containing the deceased guinea pig that my humans were about to bury and scare my Mommy by carrying him into the house like a stuffed toy and looking at her as if to say, "I think this guy got outside by some mistake! Isn't he supposed to be INSIDE in his cage?!?"
38. I will not terrorize the nice bunnies. (And the not-so-nice bunnies... they kick!)
39. I will not try to adopt a litter of kittens, then search the house frantically for them after they're returned to their Mum, breaking my human's heart.
40. I will share my toys, not gather them up and put them in my kennel when Grandma and Grandpa's dogs come to visit.
41. I will stop playing tug with my brother's tail.
42. If I push the cat too far she will fight back.
43. If I must eat baby rabbits, I will not eat all but one of them in the nest, then carefully carry the last one back home with me so I can play with it. (Mom took one away from me once and brought it into the house where it promptly escaped from confinement and died; Mom and Dad did not find the body for two days).
44. Mockingbirds are not to be messed with. (They dive bomb! From behind!)
45. Mockingbirds will peck my head if I catch them. (My Akita bitch regularly catches these enormous birds and they turn and peck her in the forehead HARD! and she still chases them. Dumb -- really dumb.)
46. Mom doesn't like it when I drop a live chipmunk in the kitchen.
47. Multi-coloured snakes are NOT my friends.
48. Not only do I NOT need to escape from my fenced back yard, I should not entice the girl dog behind us (who I have a crush on) to also break out and join me for a date.
49. Other furry critters are not running chew toys. (Cats, squirrels, Mommy's guinea pig)
50. Other male dogs are not my enemies.
51. Possums are meant to be chased, not caught.
52. Size matters. I will not chase full-grown German Shepherds, then run away from 8-week old puppies.
53. Squirrels can fight back.
54. That bear is NOT just another big dog.
55. That black and white animal with the bushy tail is NOT a cat.
56. The bear does not want to play with me. (You would think something the size of a beagle would know this.)
57. The cat does not need me to wash him.
58. The cat is not a chew toy.
59. The horses are not my personal hot-lunch wagons.
60. The neighborhood dogs are not burglars/murderers.
61. The neighbour's cat is not a rag doll.
62. When I am tired of playing with the ball, I will let my sister have it. I will not stuff it under the sofa cushion and lie down on top of it just so she can't get it.
63. When my brother takes my chew toy, I will take it back or trick him out of it. I will not run crying to Mommy.
64. When my brother takes the ball away from me, I will not go running to Mom and Dad to tattle on him.

p) ---Personal Comfort---

1. Baths are fun and relaxing!
2. Being outside for any other reason than doing my business really is all right.
3. Being put outside in my kennel is not the same as being sent to the gallows.
4. I can go to sleep without cleaning my toes first.
5. I can go to sleep without having my rope and my ball and my bone in bed with me and the humans.
6. I don't have to go out to the backyard *this instant*.
7. I weigh 100 pounds. I cannot ride in Dad's lap while he's driving.
8. I weigh 70 pounds. I will not fit on Mom's lap.
9. I will leave room in the bed for Dad.
10. I will not crowd my human in bed.
11. I will not dig more than one new 'cool earth wallow' per day.
12. I will not go for a walk with my Mommy and expect her to carry me when I get tired. I have to remember that I am a 75 lb bulldog and my Mommy can't even pick me up.
13. I will not hoard all the nylabones so the other dogs can't get them.
14. I will not hog the warm spot right in front of the kerosene heater.
15. I will not pull the down comforter off the bed and into the closet so I can sleep on it in the middle of the night.
16. I will quit hogging all the pillows.
17. I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and will move when Mom and Dad want in.
18. I will stop rearranging the furniture. My bed does not have to be in direct sunlight during ALL daylight hours.
19. If I'm going to insist on sitting on Daddy/Mommy's lap while they are working on the computer, I will realize the keyboard is not a pillow.
20. The leather davenport is NOT a bed.
21. The vegetable and flower beds are not my personal hammock.
22. Twin beds are too small to share with my Mummy.
23. Waterbeds were designed for humans. Really.
24. When Daddy is gone, I will not use his pillow and breathe down Mommy's neck until she takes me out.
25. When I am lying on the sofa, Mommy can lie on the other side; I know how to share.

q) ---Vets/Medicine---

1. Although I am a red blooded Aussie male Rottweiler, I will refrain from becoming "excited" when my female vet examines me because it embarrasses my Mom.
2. I am a German Shepherd. When I'm at the vet's I won't be scared to sit on the floor like a BigGirlDog. I'm too big for Mommy's lap.
3. I will not eat the bathroom rug, no matter how much I enjoy having the Vet give me an enema.
4. I will not imitate "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" (only pretend to eat the pills) when Daddy gives me my pills.
5. I will not try to eat the cat at the vet's office.
6. I will quit escaping from the vet and eating all the other dogs', cats' and birds' food.
7. I will try not to bite the vet when he tries to take out my stitches.
8. The vet is my *friend*.

Many thanks to the following contributors:

Sue Agent, Kathryn Armstrong, Stephanie Aycock, Kirsten Anderson, John Baker, Trish Barnes, James Barton, Moira Bauer, Claudette Beaulieu, Paula & Thomas Bellman, M.H. Bonham, Teresa Boucher, Valerie Bowe, Melynda Bowles, Nancy Brodzki, Melissa Bruce, Tatanjia Brumleve, Ross Brunetti, Jean Bryan, Lesley Burnette, Tim Butler, John Campbell, Robert Carrier, David Carpenter, Shari Carter, Susan Castelletti, Anne Cody, Ed Conen, Stephanie Corbitt, Anne Cotton, Stacey Curtis, Andrew Davie, Ruth Ann Davis, Olivia DeBruyn, Lisa Dee, Michelle Dick, Stephen Dillinger, Irene Dogmatic, Lutritia Doran, Lauri Dorff, Stephen Drye, Linda Dulin, Michelle Duncan, Bruce Eicher, Andrew Faber, Madeline Feeney, Robin Fingerson, Christine Fitzer, Lynn Fitzgerald, Bernadette Frank, Deborah Freedman, Emily Force, John Fulton, Phyllis Gerstenfeld, Ruth Ginzberg, Jason Goettsch, Dana Groff, Rusty Hall, Leslie Hartten, Francis Harvey, Barry Hauser, Susan Hayek, Tammy Hayne, Mary Healey, Rochelle Hess, Petra Hinds, Kelly Anne Hinkle, Steven Hocevar, Rachel Hodson, Donna Hollis, Jennifer Jacoby, Susan Jarva, Cecile Keating, Susan Kennedy, Karen Kifer, Becky Knowlton, Laurel Kristick, Kathleen Kruse, Amy Lancaster, Rhonda Ligotski, Lea Lindsay, Deana Logan, Jill Lucas, Peter Lucas, Carelton MacDonald, Tim McDaniel, Susan McDonald, Barry McGovern, Brenda McWhorter, Donna Menk, Iris Mensing, Anne Meyer, Amy Miran, Dave Mischler, Cindy Tittle Moore, Peggy Morrison, JoAnne Moulton, Joe Muncie, Kim Murphy, Mindy Mymudes, Victoria Neff, Heidi Nelson, Wendy Neu, Helene Newberg, Joy Nicholas, Kathy Nicklas-Varraso, Kate Nucci, Robin Nuttall, Lynda Oleksuk, Maria Pappas, Elizabeth Phillips, Paulette Polanco, Lucinda Rasmussen, Crystal Raymond, Amanda Reineke, Harold Reynolds, Margaret Riley, Nancy Rudins, Latisia Ruvio, Carol Rylee, Kenneth Sax, Amy Scheeler, Steve Schindler, Tim Schorer, Ken Sevy, Carol Sharp, Crystal Shaver, John Shea, John Sheedy, Patrica Skuse, Glenn Smith, Tracy Smith, Donna Starner, Lisa Stensland, Silvia Stern, Eric Storch, Holly Stowe, MJ Stubblefield, PaigeSullivan, Kathleen Summers, Janelle Switzer, Carol Taylor, Roberta Taylor, Marci Tenpas, Kristin Thommes, Nancy Tilson, Bruce Tobias, Judith Van Nostrand, Connie Varnhagen, Jean Vandenbos, Charlene Vickers, Jody Vilschick, Steve Wall, Tina Walsh, Susie Wang, Jon Waring, Jackie Watts, Rosemary Webb, Judy Weber, Ann Welborne, Jan Wescott, Susan White, Tracy Wilkinson, April Wimbish, Wendy Wilson, Nancy Wright, Victoria Wu, Ellen Zweibel.

BAD HUMAN!

This is the reverse of the Bad Dog list. That is, what would your dog(s) have you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"? Send your suggestions to me, Harold Reynolds. <br> First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest Update: September 8, 1997.

a) ---Bodily Functions---

1. Dog bladders are not large.
2. I will not cut my master's nails.
3. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
4. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
5. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
6. I will not tell my master to HURRY UP ALREADY when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
7. I will respond to my master's sexual passes.

b) ---Comfort of the Master(s)---

1. I will allow my master on the couch.
2. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
3. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
4. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
5. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
6. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
7. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot, even in December.

c) ---Offenses to Dignity---

1. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
2. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
3. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
4. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."

d) ---Disobedience Giving Possibly Severe Repercussions---

1. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
2. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
3. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
4. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
5. I will take my dog(s) to Dog Park every week-end regardless of weather or other plans.
6. When my master plays too hard at Dog Park, I will not laugh at him as he stiffly tries to move around the house. I will just quietly give him his aspirin.

e) ---Food---

1. I will always carry cookies and treats.
2. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's *entire* piano practice.
3. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
4. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
5. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
6. I will no longer make my master wait 12 long hours between meals.
7. I will not close the lid to the reserve water bowl.
8. I will not run out of dog biscuits or other treats.
9. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
10. I will share everything I eat with my master.

f) ---Games/Playing---

1. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
2. I will learn to throw the frisbee straight even if a hurricane force wind.
3. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
4. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
5. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
6. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
7. I will not pretend to throw my master's toy and then hide it behind my back while my master runs off looking for it.
8. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
9. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

g) ---Miscellaneous---

1. As my master's voice is quite melodious, I will never object to or tire or hearing it morning, noon, or night...very late at night.
2. GIVE and LEAVE IT are useless request, so I will stop using them.
3. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
4. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
5. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
6. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
7. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
8. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
9. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
10. I will try MUCH harder to understand my master's language.
11. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
12. The ornaments on the trees ARE balls. Really.

h) ---Other Critters---

1. I will get rid of those cats.
2. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
3. I will not bring home any more cats.
4. I will not chase my master around yelling COME! when he is socializing.
5. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
6. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
7. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
8. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
9. Mini-humans shall not ride on my back as if I were a pony.

Many thanks to the following contributors:

Kathryn Armstrong, John Baker, James Barton, Suzie Brown, Stacey Curtis, Michelle Duncan, Madeline Feeney, Deborah Freedman, Ruth Ginzberg, Petra Hinds, Kelly Anne Hinkle, Harold Reynolds, Margaret Riley, Nancy Rudins, Amy Scheeler, Carol Sharp, Lisa Stensland, K. Summers, Roberta Taylor, Marci Tenpas, Bruce Tobias, Connie Varnhagen, Rosemary Webb, Jan Wescott.

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