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~ Funny Bonz ~

Cute dog jokes and humorous pictures


Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if  ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to  heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old  story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named  after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How  often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a  nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the  'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If  a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is  he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs  can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,  horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy  fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less  spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to  the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give  you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1.   I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they  throw it up.
2.   I will not roll  on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way  they smell.
3.   I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4.   The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5.   The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6.   The  garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7.   My head does not  belong in the refrigerator.
8.   I will not bite the officer's hand  when he reaches for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9.   I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10.   Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable action.
11.   I do not  need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee  table.
12.   I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
13.   I will not throw up in the car.
14.   I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15.   I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
16.   The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God:

Finally, my last question: When I get to Heaven may I  have my testicles back?

Can you say VERY pregnant?


That's one BIG kitty cat in the window!

Dog's New Years Resolutions:

 1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy's underwear when he's on the can.

 2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

 3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

 4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

 5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

 6. I will not eat the cat's food, before, or after, he eats it.

 7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet when I am about to throw up.

 8. I will not throw up in the car.

 9. I will not roll on dead things.

10. I will stop considering the cat's litter box as a cookie jar.

11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

12 . I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of anyone who is sitting on the can.

16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television.

17. I will not steal my Mommy's underwear out of the laundry basket and then dance all over the back yard with them.

18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and neither are Mommy's & Daddy's laps.

19. I will remember my head does not belong in the refrigerator.

20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mommy's driver's license and car registration.

Is there anything in this thing?
I've got to kill this beast!


Valentine to my Dogs:

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways...

1. I love thee agreeably - enough to let your stinky doghide on the bed after a run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens.

2. I love thee steadfastly - enough to devote a year to raising you from a wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control).

3. I love thee passionately - despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears, eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities.

4. I love thee well - despite the amazing odors you produce.

5. I love thee deeply - though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity.

6. I love thee madly - despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments - in inappropriate places.

7. I love thee constantly - despite the dog "bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years.

8. I love thee truly - despite the "doggie landmines" hidden in the grass.

9. I love thee absolutely - because you never (well, hardly ever) hog the remote control.

10. I love thee gratefully - because you stay by my side (or on my side).

11. I love thee devotedly - more than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls.

12. I love thee bravely - enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf.

13. I love thee monetarily - enough to put the vet's children through college.

14. I love thee openly - I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake.

15. I love thee totally - more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life.

Hanging out with my friends
Ah, this feels good!

Letter to our Pets:

For all you animal lovers...

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt.  I cannot stress this enough.  It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1.   They live here. You don't.
2.   If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3.   I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4.   To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5.   Dogs and cats are better than kids.  They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.


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Judi Lovell Switch Co.
243 Jessie Lane
Charleston, TN 37310, USA
(Just off I-75, 30 miles north of Chattanooga, TN)

Phone: (423) 479-7857

 Email: judi-lovell@charter.net


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