Dog's New Years Resolutions:

 1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy's underwear when he's on the can.

 2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

 3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

 4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

 5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

 6. I will not eat the cat's food, before, or after, he eats it.

 7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet when I am about to throw up.

 8. I will not throw up in the car.

 9. I will not roll on dead things.

10. I will stop considering the cat's litter box as a cookie jar.

11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

12 . I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of anyone who is sitting on the can.

16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television.

17. I will not steal my Mommy's underwear out of the laundry basket and then dance all over the back yard with them.

18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and neither are Mommy's & Daddy's laps.

19. I will remember my head does not belong in the refrigerator.

20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mommy's driver's license and car registration.

Valentine to my Dogs:

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways...

1. I love thee agreeably - enough to let your stinky doghide on the bed after a run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens.

2. I love thee steadfastly - enough to devote a year to raising you from a wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control).

3. I love thee passionately - despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears, eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities.

4. I love thee well - despite the amazing odors you produce.

5. I love thee deeply - though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity.

6. I love thee madly - despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments - in inappropriate places.

7. I love thee constantly - despite the dog "bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years.

8. I love thee truly - despite the "doggie landmines" hidden in the grass.

9. I love thee absolutely - because you never (well, hardly ever) hog the remote control.

10. I love thee gratefully - because you stay by my side (or on my side).

11. I love thee devotedly - more than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls.

12. I love thee bravely - enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf.

13. I love thee monetarily - enough to put the vet's children through college.

14. I love thee openly - I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake.

15. I love thee totally - more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life.

Letter to our Pets:

For all you animal lovers...

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt.  I cannot stress this enough.  It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: